


Love is Complicated

by strikit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 21:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3826000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strikit/pseuds/strikit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius struggles with the difference between romantic and platonic love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is Complicated

As a small child Sirius displayed a strong need for physical affection. He loved holding baby Reg, only a year younger than he was and too big in his arms. He showed an affinity for animals, particularly the stray cats that would stop by Grimmauld Place for the scraps he offered. And when Walburga Black took her sons out in public young Sirius stared at the other families they passed. Mothers held children as old as five, whereas if Walburga had ever held Sirius he was too young to remember it. Fathers held their children by the hand to stop them being swallowed by the crowd. Orion Black just hissed to his sons when they fell behind, using a deadly tone Sirius quickly grew to fear. Once when he was six he thought he might try something that seemed clever at the time. He'd seen parents insist that their children hold their hands when they crossed the street. As he approached a busy street ith his mother he reached up and slipped his tiny hand into hers. Walburga took her hand back smoothly, calmly even, but her reprimand stung like a slap to the face.

"Don't be improper, Sirius. A boy of your status ought not to conduct himself so pathetically."

For a few years more Sirius tried. Once he'd hugged his father; the sneer of disgust was worse than an insult. The only one who was at all receptive to his affection was Regulus; and even then, by the time Sirius had turned ten he'd been squashed into some semblance of proper etiquette. This involved conducting himself with dignity at all times, even as he craved a kind hand. His parents must have thought they must have put an end to it, that they were succeeding in raising a proper pureblood heir. His Sorting certainly put an end to that.

More important than Sirius's unlikely placement into Gryffindor was James Potter. The other boy grew up in a manner most opposite to Sirius. While Sirius ached for his mother to smoothe back his hair and fuss over him, James possessed such an excess of this that he wriggled away from kind old Mrs. Potter half the time. James received an owl per week from home and his mum kept his trunk stocked with homemade sweets and cakes. When James let Sirius have one, he thought they tasted like maternal love would feel. He did not share this sentiment; he would have had to speak over James bemoaning the fact that his mum was going to make him too fat to move with all of these treats.

As much as Sirius resented that James took his parents' love for granted, he marvelled at how it spilled forth from his new friend. James was all easy smiles and pats on the back, an arm slung over his shoulders after a long day of class, offering his mates the last slice of cake even though he wanted it. Here, surrounded by warmth and kindness he'd never known, Sirius found the closeness he'd ached for in James.

It should come as no surprise, then, that at first Sirius was very poor at showing he cared. His touches were too deliberate, obviously planned. He would take a separate armchair in the common room, even when there was room still on the couch next to James. When James drank too much at a Quidditch afterparty and passed out on Sirius's bed he got up and moved to James's. The awkwardness dwindled away over time and by the end of their third year Sirius could have fooled the uninformed onlooker. The arm around James's shoulders was comfortable enough, but if Reg saw he'd snatch it away swiftly and his mother's voice would echo in his head.

Still, Sirius grew comfortable with time. The warmth in the pit of his stomach when James was near eventually became a source of confusion. He cared very much for Peter and Remus, of course, but he'd never had anything like this with anyone else. James seemed to have the key to his mind. When Sirius was upset, he alone knew whether to comfort him or let him sulk. When Sirius was angry, when he was blinded by a violent fit of temper, he alone could talk him down. The two boys seemed to be of one mind, conversing without a single word, always knowing what the other meant to say before a single word was uttered. It was this unusual bond that led Snivellus Snape to sneer, "Declared your love for him yet, Black?"

In the detention that Sirius served as punishment for his reciprocation, he had plenty of time to think. He'd heard of two blokes being in love before, though the idea seemed strange and foreign to him. Was that it, then? Did he feel this way for his best mate because he was in love with him? It would be much easier to ponder this if he had anything to compare it to, but he did not. Had this been about anyone else he would have talked to James about it. With that option unavailable Sirius knew what he had to do. After his detention he went back to the dorm, pulled back the curtains around Remus's bed, and breathed in his ear.

"Moony."

Remus jolted awake, irritated at being disturbed.

"What do you want, Sirius? I'm trying to sleep."

"Not doing a very good job of it, are you?" Sirius snapped, feeling vulnerable. Remus sighed and sat up.

"Okay, okay. What's going on?"

Sirius tried not to sound too concerned, but the fact was that this was an awkward subject. "How do you know if you're in love?"

Remus stopped rubbing his eyes and looked up at him, blinking in his confusion. "Oh, um... why are you coming to me for this?"

"I just am. Can you help me or not?"

Maybe Sirius imagined it, but Remus seemed uneasy, almost guilty. "I suppose... You want to be around them a lot. You always think their jokes are funny, even when they're not. It's hard to say no to them, just because they asked you. You want to touch them a lot and they make you nervous. And you notice things about them, like when they style their hair different or get new clothes."

Sirius wasn't sure what to make of it all. He paused, then nodded curtly, leaving a perplexed and slightly disappointed Remus alone in his bed.

Over the next few weeks Sirius tried to assess the status of his relationship with James without giving anything away. He did want to be around him a lot, and he often thought his jokes were very funny. He supposed he did notice things about him, but it was hard to say whether that was just because he was thinking about it too much. He knew beyond doubt, though, that he loved physical contact with James. He liked to lean against his legs. He liked to tackle him to the ground and wrestle. He liked to push him around in the halls. But did that have to mean anything?

A month after the beginning of the crisis, the chance for resolution presented itself in the form of an empty butterbeer bottle. The bottle spun on the floor of the Gryffindor common room, coming to rest with the mouth pointing at James. Sirius's palms were suddenly sweaty. He wiped them on his robes.

"Oh, Sirius!" James fluttered long, dark eyelashes. "You mean to besmirch my honor with your rogueish lips?"

Just like that Sirius reminded himself that it was just James. The rules of this co-ed game of spin the bottle were that same sex pairs could play or pass, but he didn't want to pass. He grinned and rose onto his knees. "Fear not, my love. I shall leave your honor quite intact, but you will remember this blessed kiss."

The circle of their peers looked on with varying degrees of disgust and amusement as Sirius stood and bowed in the perfect imitation of a proper gentleman. He offered James his hand, pulling the other boy to his feet, and his next attempt at dramatic flair was stifled as Sirius dipped him low and kissed him. 

It was not a stage kiss. Sirius had meant to exaggerate it to the point of ridiculousness, but at the last second changed his mind. He kissed him tenderly and cautiously, and distantly he thought this was everything a first kiss ought to be. That James kissed him back with an equal measure of tenderness came as a surprise, but to his great relief he felt... nothing. It wasn't earth shattering or life changing. Kissing James was easy, it was certainly fun, but when they parted to jeers and laughter from their peers Sirius was quite sure he was not in love with James, but he did love him. Sirius loved him as a brother, as family, in a way he'd never known. And the game went on despite their little show. He was so busy basking in the realization that he was not in love, he did not see the look of utter heartbreak on Remus's face.


End file.
